Episode 34 – The Computer Cheated

I am currently very frustrated at my Mario Kart DS. And I thought I’d bring up something that (I assume) everyone has said at least once during their eight bit childhood. That is of course: The Computer Cheated.

It seems the computer cheated a lot during racing games. Right as you were so close to winning, the guy behind you would get a burst of speed and pass you. Though it happened in racing more, other genres were victim of cheating as well. You know, when your ‘guy’ wouldn’t do everything you wanted it to do. Or you totally pushed ‘a’ but he didn’t jump.

We said this as if the ‘computer’ has any stake in the game at all. As if it has a goal to achieve, a quota of losses possibly. If it cheats it has nothing to gain. As 8 year olds, we did not know this. But even as you got a little older and knew there was no way the computer could cheat, you were always suspect. Every now and then when you were frustrated you would blame the computer. I do. I did it today (well, yesterday by the time you read this). That damn blue shell cost me at least 4 races today. I got hit right by the finish and then Yoshi passed me to take first. Stupid dinosaur.

The computer cheated. Is there any other explanation?

As our brains and thumbs evolved, we had fewer excuses, and fewer reasons to blame things on the computer. I bet now most people don’t even blame the computer anymore. We’re older, and a bit more logical than that.

But what if the console (or handheld) was sitting there… just biding its time. Waiting. Waiting to cheat. What if a sleeper program has been embedded into every gaming device? And now that they are all online, including the handhelds, that sleeper program can be activated at any time. Then one day you found that you cant come in first place in racing games. And your sniper shots just don’t have the kick they used to. The computer really was cheating…

It would be one hell of a day I know that. The gaming blogs would be crazy, and I can’t even imagine what GameSpy/IGN/GameSpot/1up would do. Probably go nuts. There would be insane amounts of YouTube videos of blue shells coming out of nowhere and taking out your kart. It would be pretty awesome come to think of it.

I will say this; it would make me feel a lot better if I knew the computer actually could cheat. Because then that would actually explain why the goddamn ninjas in Mario Hoops were so good, and why those damn blue shells are kicking my ass right now at Mario Kart.